Days of Christmas: Day 3

Pinterest-y treats!

Days of Christmas: Day 2

Some Christmas-y snuggles with my friend's youngest little one. She is growing fast!! :) (This was taken at our Church Christmas dinner and party yesterday).

Days of Christmas: Day 1

Happy December!! I am excited to join in Melissa's Days of Christmas again this year! And I do intend to enjoy this Christmas season to the fullest! It helps so much to have dear friends in each of you! Your support means so much.

I am going to try something a little different with my Days of Christmas posts this year. Since I use my phone so much for pictures, I am going to be trying out mobile blogging for some of my posts. :)

Without further ado, here is a picture I took yesterday. Have you fed the kettle yet this year? :)

Raw.

This is a hard post to write. I should be out in the living room... puttering with my Christmas decorations. Getting excited about putting up a tree. But I'm not. I don't even know if I should be typing this. Maybe I won't publish it. I don't know. I've had some hesitancy about Christmas this year. Couldn't really get into the mood or get excited about my favorite time of year.

I'm not ready for it to be Christmas yet. Yes, I know, it comes around faster each year.

but it's not supposed to be here.
not yet.

He (or she) isn't here yet.

How can we have another Christmas without him?

I thought I was upset about one thing, then I thought, No, it's something else. Then when my Pandora station played a song with children singing I realized what really was bothering me. That's when I lost it. That's when I realized why everything else wasn't falling into place.

There are still only two stockings on our mantle. There won't be any toys under the tree for our little one. I lost it. And I don't "loose it" very often. (ok... maybe I loose it more often than I think... but I try not to show it.)

How strange it is to miss someone you've never met. Someone who may not even exist yet. But their absence is felt. I miss his big smile and her beautiful eyes looking up at me.
I try so hard. I try to be the one that lifts everyone else up, tries to fix it all, help everyone feel better. (Hmmm... think maybe I'm an eldest child?) I know we are "paper pregnant," "officially waiting," and it could be "any time." I should be positive and say that it's a  "Time for Joy" and still the "Perfect Christmas" but I'm not feeling all of that now. Not yet.

And I thought. Why try to always help somebody else? Isn't it ok for me to hurt every now and then? Maybe I can get the hurting over with now - enjoy the rest of this festive season. Maybe even be festive myself. Or maybe I need another good cry - me in my red "Christmas-y" shirt and candy cane socks. No, dressing the part isn't really helping me much either.

Don't worry about me. I'll pull myself together! Next time you see my face, I'm sure I'll be wearing a smile. But that smile will be fought for. Joy is something worth fighting for. Even though it's not an "easy" Christmas, I will rise above it. Just as so many of you do in one way or another. We are each fighting our hard battles. But with God's help, we will win them. And we will have joy and a smile. And hope. Because HE came. He came to do something very hard. And HE did it, HE won!

I may have lost my "happy" for a little while, but my JOY isn't something I will let go, and as I hold to the Joy, the hope will follow.

I'm going to hit publish. I want you all to know that I am "real." Somehow, in a strange way, I want someone out there to know that I do hurt too. I know my hurt is so small compared to what so many others are going through, but I won't hide it. Together, let's have a "JOYFUL" Christmas. (And thanks for listening to me...)

October Baby

Mark and I watched October Baby recently. What a wonderful film! I'm not here to give you an in-depth review of the movie - watch it yourself! :) Mostly I just wanted to give you my reaction to it.

***note: post below may contain spoilers!***

I cried.

No, I promise, I'm not one to cry at most movies - in fact, I'm generally a non-crier. But when you bring in adoption... yep, there you might have me!

Within the first few minutes of the movie, you find out that the main character, Hannah, was adopted and she is just finding that out at the age of 19. My reaction in seeing the character's reaction is that "This" is why we want an open adoption. "This" is why we aren't keeping secrets.

As Mark and I sad and watched this movie and cried - we weren't just crying because it was a touching movie. It touched us because we were watching "our daughter." Even though our child will be raised with the knowledge that we became her parents through adoption - there will come a point when that knowledge will make sense to here. All the pieces will fall into place. She will want answers - some answers we won't have - and she will grieve. But in that grieving, we hope she will come to realize that she is treasured and that her life is so precious.

There is so much good in this film, such as the value of every human life. It is inspired by the story of Gianna Jessen, an abortion survivor. Have you seen it? I'd love to hear your reactions to this movie!

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This is my last scheduled post on adoption this month. Thank you all for your support and encouragement and for "listening" to my thoughts - random they may be. :) I hope each of you has a very happy Thanksgiving! We have so much to be thankful for!!