"What about...?" - Questions and Answers

Wow. It's hard to believe that November is drawing to a close! Thank you all for sticking with me as I share some of what we've learned about adoption! Anytime someone does something "different" there are always lots of questions! Adoption and adoption laws have changed a lot in the past 50 years. 

(These first two questions are from a dear friend, Susette.)
"Hey, I read your article about "open adoption" and it is very good. I'm wondering if you are in an organization that is primarily Christian. Does this birth mother "want" a Christian family to take her child?

Choosing the agency was probably one of the most difficult decisions we have made in regards to adoption - there are so many wonderful agencies! After much prayer, we decided to go with Buckner Children and Family Services. One of the things that drew us to Buckner was the fact that they have been around for a long time (founded in 1879) and have a lot of experience in adoption.

Cabin where Dr. R. C. Buckner (founder of Buckner) was born.

Buckner is a Christian agency, so when a birth mother contacts them, usually it is with the desire for her child to be raised by a Christian family. If it isn't her primary reason, she is certainly made aware that the prospective adoptive parents she will consider will be raising that child in an Christian home.

I guess I am wondering if the birth mother can tell you that she doesn't like the way you are raising her child and make demands of you that would go contrary to your convictions.

After the birth parents relinquish their rights (after a 48 hr. waiting period after the birth for the birth mother and up to 30 correction: 31 days for the birth father), we become the ones making parenting choices for the baby. After the finalization (usually at 6 months) we will no longer be under our agency's supervision. The child will then be legally our child, just as if it were our birth child. For example, if we were adopting an older child, we would not be able to use corporal punishment as a method for discipline until the adoption is final. Spanking wouldn't be necessary for the first 6 months of life anyway... :)


I get a lot of questions as to exactly when we will have our little one. Good question! :) Right now we are on "hold." In order to complete our home study, there are certain things that have to be done around the house. (Such as repairing a fence!) Mark has been taking two Master level courses this semester and his "handyman" time has been quite limited. Hopefully we will be ready for our next home study visit in a few weeks. Honestly, this has been a little frustrating for me. It seems like we hurry! hurry! only to have to wait some more. But then I remember that the timing has never been out of God's control. He has the right birthmother and child there for us, and we will meet up with them in His time, not our own. God isn't up in heaven saying "oops. they weren't ready for that one yet..." :)



Of course, we aren't entirely on hold. There are still things we can be working on - like the scrapbook style "picture profile" that birthmothers will see when selecting an adoptive family. Oh, and of course the fun of designing a nursery - I have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to that! :)


Thank you, once again, for all of your encouragement! Your support means so much, and will continue to mean so much to us as we continue down our adoption journey. We never know just what the future holds, but we do know Who holds the future. His plans are always to give us a "hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

A Heart Full of Thanks

Each holiday is so full of expectation for me - especially at this time of the year. I hope for a picture-perfect holiday. But sometimes the picture doesn't look exactly like we had imagined it. I know we're not the only ones whose holiday isn't quite what they thought it would be. But that doesn't mean we don't celebrate, because we have so much to be thankful for!

Early this year I read the book 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her challenge to herself was to chronicle 1,000 things that she is thankful for. She kept a notebook nearby to write things down as she thought of them. I have been keeping my own list - though it is still quite short (I'm up to 83!) But I wanted to share some of the things I have been thankful for through this year.

1. God's Salvation plan for me
2. The mockingbird song in the night
11. A little girl excited to be knitting

18. Restful sleep
19. Yellow chair

 

20. Quiet mornings with God

29. Friday Shopping

31. My Piano!

48. Air Conditioning

68. The joy of spending time with family

69. Cornhole!

75. A hard working husband!

I'm also thankful for all of you!! Thank you for your support to us in the past year! Thank you for taking time to read my little blog and for coming on our adoption journey with us! Many blessings!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

What will be different? (Life after baby comes)

This is quite a tricky post to write, because we certainly are not at this stage yet! (Hopefully soon, though!) After we come home with our little one, what happens then? And what happens before then? How will parenting an adopted child be different? Of course, I can only go by what we have learned. But our teachers have had years of experience in adoptions, so I know they know.. :)

Once we are done with our homestudy and more paperwork we will be "in the book" - meaning that our picture profile will be shown to prospective birth parents whose wishes for an adoptive family will be compatible with us (and vice versa). Then comes the waiting... we could get a call a week or two after being in the book or it could be a year or two. (This will be a hard waiting time for us!!) Finally a phone call!! It could be that the birth mother has picked us out of the book and we will have meetings with her before the birth of the baby. OR it could be the social worker saying that there is a baby at the hospital that, for whatever reason, the birth mother has chosen not to parent. As you can see, once we are "in the book" we need to be ready for anything! :)


So after the baby is born, what? (you ask...) :) State laws require that the birth mother wait 48 hours before signing a relinquishment. After that, and other paperwork for us, we will most likely have an entrustment ceremony (more about that here). Then we come home with our new little one!

Life with a newborn for us won't be much different than for any other new parents. Obviously, I won't be recovering from birth, but we will probably be rather quiet for a few days or weeks. Mark and I will be taking this special time to bond with our new little one. Most parents have nine months in which to bond with their baby, but we will have just met! 

Don't be surprised if we are not too willing to share "holding rights." And if you are holding our little one and he (or she) starts to fuss, don't be surprised as we reach for him. Many first time parents aren't too willing to share anyway, but we have a double reason. We need our baby to learn to need us. We need to establish with our little one that we will be there for him and we will meet his needs. (You can read a bit more about bonding and attachment here.) So for the first several weeks we will be pretty exclusive. (Sorry, Grandma's!) :)  And I will be a baby wearing mama - one of these is pretty high on my to-get list! :) (update: I have it! and I've already tried it out on a friend's baby - works great!) :)

 There is also a process of grief in an adoption. We may experience some grief for the birth mother who is going though grief of her own. In our happiness to have our child, we won't easily forget what she has lost - that constant presence, care, and love of the child she carried.

At about six months, the adoption should be finalized in court. At this point our child will be officially our child in the eyes of the law. Until then they are under the guardianship of our adoption agency, and we are the caregivers. (A little more on this in next week's post.)

As we raise our child, we will be making sure that he knows his story. One adoptive mother did a picture scrapbook for her little boy that told (in simple language) his story. I love this idea and plan on doing it for our child. I firmly believe that it is important for our child to know his background. Adoption won't be a secret from him. In time, he may go through his own time of grieving, but this is normal. We will support him and love him as he matures into the knowledge of who he is and understands his unique story. (more on a child's understanding of adoption here.)


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Whew! I think that was the longest post yet! Thanks for hanging with me! There is a lot of ground to cover, and I'm afraid I just barely skimmed the surface. There is so much more even I don't know yet!! (I feel rather ill-equipped to write these posts, but maybe you've learned some from the little I know.) This just about wraps up my special adoption posts. One more Tuesday in November - I'll be answering questions so please don't hesitate to ask me! :)

Book Review - This Little Prayer of Mine

(Just one more review.. and yes, I did get a little behind, but I do enjoy reviewing books!) :)

This Little Prayer of Mine is a quick little picture book to read to little ones. I love how it brings across important truths, like God comforting us when we are frightened and giving us wisdom to make good choices. I liked that, even with all the big ideas of what to do when they grow up, that they can trust God's plan. Although, I think that our goals in life and our goals for our children should have more to do with serving God and others than just fame or fortune. Why don't they want to do missions work or work to save lives rather than be a rock star or president? I also wasn't too impressed with the last page, though "Please love me, God forevermore...." He already does that without our asking.

Cute book with fun colorful illustrations. Not a lot of depth, but a fun read. I like the rhyming, especially for little ones.


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Thanks to Blogging for Books (WaterBrook Press) for this review copy. Opinions are my own. Please take just a second to rate my review in the box below. Thank you! :)

Book Review - 50 Things Every Young Lady Should Know

I am probably an odd one, I know. I enjoy reading etiquette books. (I once read through an entire volume of Miss Manners. You'd think I'd have learned it all...)  ;)  I feel that etiquette has become a lost art and I enjoy finding books for young people that help them learn how to respond in situations. 50 Things Every young Lady Should Know is an attractive book - I loved the cover from the start, and the size as well. It's a narrow hardback. One of the things that was a downside for me as a reader was the short chapters, however I don't know that this is necessarily a negative for the target audience. It made for an easy pick-up book - grab it and read a couple of pages. Some of the more helpful things (not included in my Miss Manners book) were cellphone and social network etiquette. Very needful in today's society and not something mentioned, for obvious reasons, in older manners books.

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Thanks to Thomas Nelson's Book Sneeze program for giving me this copy to review. My opinions are my own.

Book Review - Wonderland Creek

I haven't read many (if any before this) of Lynn Austin's books. I know she is a great writer - maybe that has been what has kindof intimidated me. I'm kindof strange like that sometimes - it really doesn't make much sense. Sometimes, though, her books can be rather heavy. I really enjoyed Wonderland Creek! I love that the heroine is a young woman who has a great love for books - and libraries! Because of the Depression, Alice (or Allie as her friends call her) finds herself out of a job, so she decides to take some donated books to a backwoods library in Kentucky. The day after her arrival, the librarian gets shot and she finds herself in the middle of an adventure of mystery, feuds, and buried treasure. She does things she had only read about before - riding horseback, exploring abandoned mines, and living in a home with no electric power or running water! :)

Austin is a wonderful writer. It was hard to guess what might happen next. (and I admit to sneaking a peek at the pages ahead!) :) She has crafted some very complex characters. It was interesting to get to know them, and then, just when you thought you knew them, to come to an unexpected twist! The only problem I had with the book was the lopsided portrayal of the South around the time of the Civil War. (It was part of the background story of one of the characters.) The dominate view in the book of the Civil War is much more simple than the truth - the war was about more than just slavery. However, I did enjoy learning about the packhorse librarians - something I had not heard of before. They were part of Roosevelt's Work Projects Administration. I also thought the cover art was well done - beautiful book!


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This book was sent to me by the Bethany House blogger book review program. All opinions are my own.

What to say.... redefining terms in adoption

Source

Sometimes the way things have always been said isn't the best way of putting things. Ever thought about the prayer kids say before bed sometimes... "If I die before I wake..." Wow. how comforting is that? :) The same goes with some of our adoption terminology. Some things we say without even thinking about it, and defining these terms may come across as being "politically correct," but when you hear things through the filter of the adopted child it sounds a little different.

One of the focuses in our training has been to use "Positive Adoption Language." Positive language uses terms such as "Birthparent" or "Biological Parent" instead of "Real Parent" or "Natural Parent." Saying a child "was adopted" is much more positive than defining that child as an adopted child. Our child will be our child - adoption was just the way they came to be in our family.  Instead of saying that the birthmother decided not to "keep" a child, the birthmother has "chosen an adoption plan for her child" or "chosen not to parent." (Personally, I think each birthmother does keep her child - through the love for him in her heart.)


Many well meaning people may ask, without realizing it, something that comes across very hurtful. Such as: "Why didn't their real parents keep them?" This is one that first comes to mind. First of all, it's not a question that needs to be asked, no matter how you phrase it. An adopted child's story is just that - his story. We as a family may choose to share certain bits of information based on our circumstances, but many of the particulars aren't something that will be made public.

As a potential adoptive parent, one of the most frustrating statements for me is "Now that you're adopting, you'll get pregnant." Because everyone knows someone who knows someone... Ouch. Well, it doesn't always happen that way. If you've said this to me, no I'm not mad at you. You certainly haven't been the only one. :) It's just one of those statements people don't really thing about. It's kind of like asking a couple dealing with infertility when they are going to start having kids. (Yep. Got that one too...) :)


I certainly can't cover every potentially hurtful thing that some well meaning person might say to me or my child. And I'm certainly not super thin skinned to take offense any time something like this comes up. I hope to train my own children to understand that uninformed remarks, aren't necessarily intended to be painful.

Thank you for taking time to read my posts on adoption. I have enjoyed hearing from many of you! If you are interested in reading more about this topic there are a couple of online articles I recommend: Adoption: What Helps and What Doesn't, and the last page of this adoption guide from Bethany Christian Services (pdf file). And please don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions! I will try to reply as quickly as I can, and with your permission, will use those for my last posts in this series.

Finished Object Friday - Chocolate Swirls

Yes, it's time for another Finished Object Friday! Whew... I was not sure WHAT to post... I haven't been too crafty this week (although I am coming close to finishing the mitts for my sister - yes, the ones I started over a year ago... oh, well!) :) ... but then I remembered a cake I did last month! :)

It has become a tradition for me to make our pastor and his wife a cake for Pastor Appreciation Day... (2009, and 2010 cakes.)

I love how the swirls turned out on the cake! I got my inspiration from this cake on Pinterest... (LOVE it!!) :)

                                                                    Source: glorioustreats.blogspot.com via Charity on Pinterest

So, my swirls aren't quite as crisp as the original... and ... I kinda ran out of frosting (shame on me for not keeping my powdered sugar stocked...) but it turned out pretty good anyway and the BEST part - it just tasted good! And I think they liked it... :)

So what have you been working on recently (or, like me, maybe not so recent...) :) I'm excited to see! Happy Friday, and Happy Veteran's Day!!

Who are these people? (about birth parents)

This is the second of my series of posts on adoption, especially as it relates to our family's story. My first post last week is "What do you mean 'Open' Adoption?."

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This has been the post I have put the most thought into writing for this series. One of the main reasons, probably, is that I am currently reading the book Life Givers by James L. Gritter. (Required reading from our agency.) :) We also focused on birth parents in our recent seminar - a "study" that helped me understand more of their griefs and losses.

Probably the most misunderstood people in the adoption equation are birth parents. Adopted children? They're the cute ones everyone wants to cuddle and love on! Adoptive parents? They are the "wonderful" people to take the "poor child" in. (insert tongue in cheek...) But when it comes to birth parents (especially birth mothers), many times, the thought is "How could a mother just give away her child?"

I could go on and on about what people usually think of birth parents, but I won't. Many times the decision to allow another couple to parent their birth child is a very hard choice. Yes, they've made mistakes in their life. (haven't we all?) But in the decision to place for adoption, these people are trying to give to their child that they can't give themselves - usually a stable home with a loving mommy and daddy.

Who are these birth parents? Society has cast a negative light on them, and, I think, driven them into hiding. I believe that birth parents are people of high values.They value: life (from the beginning), fatherhood, independence, selflessness, and stability. (from Life Givers pp. 19-22) They are possibly people you meet every day - at the store, in a school. They may be teachers or nurses.

They are a people of hard-core love. Gritter puts it this way:

I do believe adoption can be a loving choice, but I am convinced this kind of love is not soft and cute. It's an awful form of love, a tough, tearful, costly version of love that rattles a person's core...Does it ever make sense to say, "I love you so much that I must step away from you?" The idea seems odd to us because we usually see love as a force that brings people together.... [pg. 33]

There is no way I can get all my thoughts into one post! I guess my challenge to you, the reader is mostly this - bottom line:  

Birth parents are people in crisis who need our love.

 

And to the birth parents of our child, you may one day read this post and wonder what exactly I had to say. I certainly don't understand it all yet, and I have never stood in your shoes. However, there are two things I want you to know, even now. I am praying for you. I love you! Even though we haven't yet met, I respect the decision you will someday be making and I cherish what you will be entrusting us with - raising the child whom you birthed. Thank you!

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A couple of things I wanted to share:
I love Mark Schultz's song "Everything to Me." It is his "letter" to his own birth mother.

This is a beautiful adoption story below. (It's a poor quality video - but so good.) I hope you take the time to watch. It is from Gladney, an adoption agency in Texas (not the one we are with) and tells about their agency and home. Megan's story begins at about 1:00 into the clip.

Book Review - The Christmas Singing

Yes, another book review!! I do enjoy reading books and giving my honest opinion... and yes, I usually have a favorable opinion. The reason is that I usually don't pick a book to review unless I am pretty sure I am going to want to keep it around. And although I am pretty selective, I ended up with four books in queue to read at one time! Whew. I'm halfway through the reviews now! :) (well, after I finish writing this post!)

Sometimes I just get in the mood for some "fluff." You know, those sweet books where nothing very horrible happens and everything turns out right in the end.... I've been ready for some "Bonnet Genre Fluff" for a little while, and this sweet story fit the bill! In The Christmas Singing, by Cindy Woodsmall, Mattie is a cake decorator. After her shop tragically burns down in Ohio, she returns to her family home in Pennsylvania and back into the path of her first love. Will they be reunited? (I won't tell...)

Such a pretty festive cover! I love reading Christmassy books during the holidays. In fact, it is basically what I DO read at Christmas time. This is another fun holiday novel. It was a very quick read (another plus for the holiday season.) And I enjoy reading about the simple life of the Amish - especially when my own life feels quite hectic at times. I give this book a big thumbs up!


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Thanks to Blogging for Books for my copy to review! (My opinions are my own.) You can rank my review here:

What do you mean "Open" Adoption?

Happy November to you all!! As I mentioned, November is  National Adoption Month, and I am going to be doing a series of posts on adoption and what it will look like for our family.

(source)

Adoption is not a new concept. The idea of adoption goes way back to ancient times. What is a newer concept for most people to understand is that of "Open" adoption. Open adoption is a form of adoption in which both parties (birth family and adoptive family) have open communication with one another. In our case (most likely), the birth mother (and perhaps birth father as well) will select Mark and I to parent their child. We will meet the birth family in a "match meeting" and will have a few more meetings (as well as phone conversations, emails or texts) before the baby is born. This will be the groundwork of our ongoing relationship with them. Of course every circumstance is a bit different according to distance etc, but we plan to have continued contact as our child grows up.

Really, adoption is all about relationships. We, as adoptive parents, of course are wanting a relationship with a child. We want to raise this child the best we can, and help them to have a relationship with God and make it to heaven. In short, we want the best possible for our child.

Even though adoption is a wonderful thing, it is not a perfect thing. We still live in a fallen, broken world. As excited as we are to be adopting, Mark and I realize (even more after our recent seminar) that there are still pieces missing after an adoption. After all, that child will not be raised by the woman who brought him or her into this world. And that woman will miss the daily interactions with the child she delivered.

However. in an open adoption, some of those pieces will be in place. Our child will know where they came from and why they were placed with us (with age appropriate answers.) We will know something of their genetic makeup and history. They will know, for example, who's nose they have, or where they got their eye color. They will also have access to their family medical history. But most importantly, having an open adoption will help our child to understand that they are loved by all - birth parents and adoptive parents. We hope to help our child understand that the decisions around their birth were made out of love, sacrifice and the desire by all for the best life for him or her.

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I am excited to share this journey with each of you! I hope that you enjoy these posts and that I can help you understand more what adoption is about. There really is no way to put over a year's worth of learning into a few posts. I welcome any questions you may have and will do my best to answer - in fact, I may dedicate a post to questions and answers... I don't have all the answers yet, but I am learning. Please feel free to ask!