Raw.

This is a hard post to write. I should be out in the living room... puttering with my Christmas decorations. Getting excited about putting up a tree. But I'm not. I don't even know if I should be typing this. Maybe I won't publish it. I don't know. I've had some hesitancy about Christmas this year. Couldn't really get into the mood or get excited about my favorite time of year.

I'm not ready for it to be Christmas yet. Yes, I know, it comes around faster each year.

but it's not supposed to be here.
not yet.

He (or she) isn't here yet.

How can we have another Christmas without him?

I thought I was upset about one thing, then I thought, No, it's something else. Then when my Pandora station played a song with children singing I realized what really was bothering me. That's when I lost it. That's when I realized why everything else wasn't falling into place.

There are still only two stockings on our mantle. There won't be any toys under the tree for our little one. I lost it. And I don't "loose it" very often. (ok... maybe I loose it more often than I think... but I try not to show it.)

How strange it is to miss someone you've never met. Someone who may not even exist yet. But their absence is felt. I miss his big smile and her beautiful eyes looking up at me.
I try so hard. I try to be the one that lifts everyone else up, tries to fix it all, help everyone feel better. (Hmmm... think maybe I'm an eldest child?) I know we are "paper pregnant," "officially waiting," and it could be "any time." I should be positive and say that it's a  "Time for Joy" and still the "Perfect Christmas" but I'm not feeling all of that now. Not yet.

And I thought. Why try to always help somebody else? Isn't it ok for me to hurt every now and then? Maybe I can get the hurting over with now - enjoy the rest of this festive season. Maybe even be festive myself. Or maybe I need another good cry - me in my red "Christmas-y" shirt and candy cane socks. No, dressing the part isn't really helping me much either.

Don't worry about me. I'll pull myself together! Next time you see my face, I'm sure I'll be wearing a smile. But that smile will be fought for. Joy is something worth fighting for. Even though it's not an "easy" Christmas, I will rise above it. Just as so many of you do in one way or another. We are each fighting our hard battles. But with God's help, we will win them. And we will have joy and a smile. And hope. Because HE came. He came to do something very hard. And HE did it, HE won!

I may have lost my "happy" for a little while, but my JOY isn't something I will let go, and as I hold to the Joy, the hope will follow.

I'm going to hit publish. I want you all to know that I am "real." Somehow, in a strange way, I want someone out there to know that I do hurt too. I know my hurt is so small compared to what so many others are going through, but I won't hide it. Together, let's have a "JOYFUL" Christmas. (And thanks for listening to me...)

October Baby

Mark and I watched October Baby recently. What a wonderful film! I'm not here to give you an in-depth review of the movie - watch it yourself! :) Mostly I just wanted to give you my reaction to it.

***note: post below may contain spoilers!***

I cried.

No, I promise, I'm not one to cry at most movies - in fact, I'm generally a non-crier. But when you bring in adoption... yep, there you might have me!

Within the first few minutes of the movie, you find out that the main character, Hannah, was adopted and she is just finding that out at the age of 19. My reaction in seeing the character's reaction is that "This" is why we want an open adoption. "This" is why we aren't keeping secrets.

As Mark and I sad and watched this movie and cried - we weren't just crying because it was a touching movie. It touched us because we were watching "our daughter." Even though our child will be raised with the knowledge that we became her parents through adoption - there will come a point when that knowledge will make sense to here. All the pieces will fall into place. She will want answers - some answers we won't have - and she will grieve. But in that grieving, we hope she will come to realize that she is treasured and that her life is so precious.

There is so much good in this film, such as the value of every human life. It is inspired by the story of Gianna Jessen, an abortion survivor. Have you seen it? I'd love to hear your reactions to this movie!

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This is my last scheduled post on adoption this month. Thank you all for your support and encouragement and for "listening" to my thoughts - random they may be. :) I hope each of you has a very happy Thanksgiving! We have so much to be thankful for!!

To Live With a Purpose

Life is hard. God didn't put us here for everything to be easy. Sometimes things are just hard. Circumstances are hard. Relationships are hard. And sometimes? God asks us to DO hard things.

Adoption for us isn't an easy thing. Because adoption itself is brought about by difficulties, the need for adoption is a hard thing. There is a lot of fear for us - as prospective adoptive parents. We don't know what the circumstances will be surrounding how our little one comes to be a part of our family. But truthfully? We don't know how a lot of "life" will turn out. God doesn't always promise happy endings - or maybe I should say "Happy middles," because for a Christian, "The End" is always happy. Each of us has decisions to make, and sometimes those decisions are hard.

But we are choosing this route not because it is easy. Life isn't about making things as easy as possible. It's about doing the right thing. We want to live our lives with purpose

We want to have a purpose in life. Purpose to love others and not just to seek our won happines. Purpose to  build meaningful relationships, not to just "hang out." We want to care, not just go through life in our own little world - our own little bubble.

We want our children to know that they were born for a purpose - that their life has a plan. And although they may not have a "happy middle," the ultimate goal IS a "Happy Ending." Eternally.

Open Adoption in a Nutshell

I LOVE this!! It's not long at all... please take a minute to watch.



Birth parents have had a bad wrap for a very long time. (You can read last year's post on birth parents here.) The producers of this video have an website dedicated to: "change the perception of adoption through honest, informative, and hopeful communication that conveys the heroism and bravery a birth mother displays when she places her child with a loving family through adoption." 

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I know I haven't posted a whole lot this month... get ready because I have a few more posts scheduled for early next week. Thanksgiving is a bit early this year and I wanted to get these posts in before the holiday season really starts ramping up on us! :) 

Waiting is tough...

We are expecting.

No, this isn't an announcement about my physical condition. But, we are expecting. I think that is something hard for those not as close to us to understand. And many times it may seem so strange.We are waiting and it could be any day. We could get a call tomorrow to come and pick up our little one, or it could be a year from now. But we are expecting.

So as any expectant parent, we have been preparing practically. We have drawers full of infant things - bottles, blankets, and clothes. We have a pack-n-play, baby swing, bouncer, changing pad and so many other needed things. Our home is more "baby safe" than most expectant newborns, thanks to the prep work necessary to pass our home study. I've even thought how, maybe, I should park in the "expectant mother" parking spot. (Ok, so I realize that it's to help mothers who's pregnancy is a bit more "physically demanding" then my "paper pregnancy" is for me... but still...) :)

But we haven't just be preparing physically, but emotionally. Our hearts are wide open. I had a close friend tell me a while back that she has seen a change in me - like I am becoming a mother. Of course, as long as we have been waiting to have a child - we have had a lot of time to think through how we want to parent. No way am I naive enough to think that with all of this time to plan, we will be the perfect parents. But I want to use this time of waiting responsibly so that we can be prepared to be the best parents possible!

Finished Object Friday - Skirt Redo

Last Saturday, we went to a wedding... Friday night I still hadn't figured out what to wear! (Yes, closet full of clothes and NOTHING to wear...) So I did what any girl would do...first, in a panic, text a friend with some fashion know-how (Thanks, Brittany!!) ... then I remade a skirt I had on hand!  (well, maybe not every girl, but it reminded me of Kristina...) First the "after:"

I have had this skirt for years, and couldn't bear to let it go. It is such a classy print. Before I messed with it, it was a Talbot's wrap skirt that (ahem) was just a few sizes too small... Wrap skirts, in or not, are pretty annoying to wear, or maybe it's just me.... They never seem to lay right, and I'm always worrying about "gappage..."

SOoo... I cut off the top, made a new seam up the back and put elastic at the waist. (Cutting off the top was so much easier than trying to hem the skirt and lining - and it took care of the darts that hit at the wrong spot. And it shortened the skirt to a more "modern" length. It was much more comfy and less worrisome... Of course Saturday morning, I had to make a quick shopping trip to find a matching tie for hubby! Here we are in our "wedding guest finery!"

The wedding was very sweet! I'm so glad we were able to go! It was fun being able to catch up a little bit with friends! So glad Melissa (and all three of her littles!) were able to come!

(The smallest two "littles" aren't real visible in THIS picture... but they are there!)


So anyone else done some crazy last minute altering? Or maybe you've done something a little more relaxing...

Adoption - Plan A or Plan B?

Adoption may have been our "Plan B" in building a family, but what if our "Plan B" has been God's "Plan A" all along? I believe that it is!

It seems that so many times life is that way. We think we are going to do one thing or go a certain direction and God may lead us in a total different path - closing some doors and opening others. And isn't it so true that God's way is always so much better than anything we could imagine? Sometimes the way may be rough for a while - the best things rarely come easy, but they are oh, so worth it!

Adoption is not second best, or a sub par way to become a family. It obviously wasn't our first choice. Infertility was our "closed door" so to speak. And we feel that God has shown us the "open door" of adoption. So many times we get the comment "Now that you are adopting, you'll get pregnant."  Usually I just kind of smile and nod. Yup. I've heard it before.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we ARE expecting. No, my tummy won't be growing. (At least it had better not... I don't need to gain anything...) ;) But our hearts grow larger each day. We are eager to share the love growing there with the child that will be ours - not by birth, but through the trust and love of birthparents and the miracle that is "Adoption."

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November is National Adoption month. I plan to do several posts about adoption, and my take on it. I'm not sure how many yet... I'll write as the inspiration strikes and I have several drafts already... ;) It won't be quite as structured as last year's posts. But please feel free to revisit last years posts if you have questions on what adoption will look like for us. You can find them in our "Adoption Journey" tab a the top of the blog.