What to say.... redefining terms in adoption

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Sometimes the way things have always been said isn't the best way of putting things. Ever thought about the prayer kids say before bed sometimes... "If I die before I wake..." Wow. how comforting is that? :) The same goes with some of our adoption terminology. Some things we say without even thinking about it, and defining these terms may come across as being "politically correct," but when you hear things through the filter of the adopted child it sounds a little different.

One of the focuses in our training has been to use "Positive Adoption Language." Positive language uses terms such as "Birthparent" or "Biological Parent" instead of "Real Parent" or "Natural Parent." Saying a child "was adopted" is much more positive than defining that child as an adopted child. Our child will be our child - adoption was just the way they came to be in our family.  Instead of saying that the birthmother decided not to "keep" a child, the birthmother has "chosen an adoption plan for her child" or "chosen not to parent." (Personally, I think each birthmother does keep her child - through the love for him in her heart.)


Many well meaning people may ask, without realizing it, something that comes across very hurtful. Such as: "Why didn't their real parents keep them?" This is one that first comes to mind. First of all, it's not a question that needs to be asked, no matter how you phrase it. An adopted child's story is just that - his story. We as a family may choose to share certain bits of information based on our circumstances, but many of the particulars aren't something that will be made public.

As a potential adoptive parent, one of the most frustrating statements for me is "Now that you're adopting, you'll get pregnant." Because everyone knows someone who knows someone... Ouch. Well, it doesn't always happen that way. If you've said this to me, no I'm not mad at you. You certainly haven't been the only one. :) It's just one of those statements people don't really thing about. It's kind of like asking a couple dealing with infertility when they are going to start having kids. (Yep. Got that one too...) :)


I certainly can't cover every potentially hurtful thing that some well meaning person might say to me or my child. And I'm certainly not super thin skinned to take offense any time something like this comes up. I hope to train my own children to understand that uninformed remarks, aren't necessarily intended to be painful.

Thank you for taking time to read my posts on adoption. I have enjoyed hearing from many of you! If you are interested in reading more about this topic there are a couple of online articles I recommend: Adoption: What Helps and What Doesn't, and the last page of this adoption guide from Bethany Christian Services (pdf file). And please don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions! I will try to reply as quickly as I can, and with your permission, will use those for my last posts in this series.